I received some very positive feedback to my blog, “Family Law- How to Avoid Divorce,” so with some encouragement and trepidation, I will attempt to offer some more helpful insights from a Family Law Attorney’s perspective. We started with the premise that I believe in marriage and marriage can be a very positive experience. I like to say there is nothing better than a good marriage and nothing worse than a bad marriage. So how do you avoid the divorce lawyer’s office?
Good Marriage vs. Bad:
How do we avoid a bad marriage? I don’t think a bad marriage happens overnight and I don’t believe it is a one-sided result either. Like the Second Law of Thermodynamics you must apply energy or effort into something to avoid disorder. It’s the same thing with marriage. It is something not only to be guarded but something to poured into in a positive way. So how do we do that? How do we avoid taking our spouse for granted? What positive measures can we take?
Falling Out of Love:
Let’s tackle the next big threat to marriage. Remember part one of my blog touched on the threat of the Internet. This one is more amorphous and insidious. It is the creeping over time “I’ve just fallen out of love with him/her.” How does this happen? We get consumed with the cares of this world whether it be our careers, kids, finances, addictions, worries, fears or sheer exhaustion. Our world has become more complex, fast paced and in many ways impersonal.
We all long for significance and connections to others so that our life has meaning, but we get pulled toward the immediate, perhaps moving from crisis to crisis, from bills and deadlines to distractions and other relationships. How do you focus on your spouse and pursuing deep and meaning communication, connection and commitment when you work inordinate hours to pay the bills or you seek refuge in some distraction or worse, addiction to dull the pain?
The American Dream:
Too many of us live beyond our means, chasing the American dream until we are a captive of our material possessions and our jobs. We are on the perpetual treadmill running faster and harder while seeming to make less and less progress. Is it possible to simplify, to get off the treadmill and to live within our means? Can we find significance in who we are and in our spouse, our children and our friendships? If we “downsized” or at least committed to weaning ourselves from the mentality that more stuff brings us happiness, we could spend more time with those we love, listening, interacting and growing in the same direction. We would no longer be held captive to the world’s definition of happiness based on material possessions. We would seek more time with those we love, especially that most important marriage relationship.
Focus on each other:
Simplify, take a walk, fly a kite, go to the beach, but do it together. Avoid distractions, TV, Video Games, Extramarital pursuits, even selfish ambitions or hobbies. Make your spouse a priority and commit to time every day together to talk, laugh and share each other’s sorrows. Enjoy life and each other together. With all this said, I am a realist too. I understand it takes two to make a great marriage and there are many very lonely and sad spouses out there that are ignored or taken for granted. It is those I see in my office who have been ignored, verbally abused or worse. Everyone has a limit and then their love tank runs dry. They are disillusioned, disappointed and even angry.
Try to see the signs early enough and not to let it get to that point. It is a whole lot easier to avoid that place with some meaningful, positive and preventative measures then to try to dig yourself out of a very deep and dark pit. Let us know what we can do to help. We have excellent marriage and family therapists we can refer you to or if it is truly irretrievable, we can help you through the process as trustworthy and caring advocates.